Turning a spot down - etiquette

Marie Sheva

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Our 12 year old daughter went out for two well-established travel teams for the first time this year. She is a pitcher. She was offered a spot on both teams same day. She was also sort of pre-selected for a travel team being formed by a couple of her old rec coaches. She is over the moon about the team she ended up choosing and they really fought to have her on the team. It is a great club. She is more motivated than I've ever seen her. I let the other two coaches know right away that she had chosen another team and thanked them lavishly for their time and belief in our daughter. The response has been chilly at best. The old coach never even responded. These are folks we interact with in the community and our DD goes to school with their kids. Is this to be expected? I thought they would be happy for her. But maybe we are about to enter a whole new world of competion where niceties fall by the wayside?
 

yocoach

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It's going to depend on the coach, the years of experience in travel ball and how they were raised. Most coaches with years of TB experience have learned not to have expectations nor to count on players coming their way even if promises were made or word was given. Those are the ones that will text saying something along the lines of 'Thanks for letting me know. I wish you well in your future endeavors.' 'Thanks, Good luck this upcoming season.' or something else to that affect. If you're expecting them to be happy about losing a quality player to another team, don't.

The coaches with less experience might just text back okay or thanks.

The ones just moving from rec to TB and expect the players "they asked/selected" to join said team? Those are the ones that especially get butt-hurt because they were counting on "that" pitcher or "that" catcher or other position player joining the team. The conversation is usually something along the lines of, 'We're taking this all-stars team and going to play only travel ball tournaments next year. Are you interested?' Then the parent says yes their player is interested. Thus, the coach assumes they committed to the team when in fact the only thing the parent affirmed was that they were interested in a possible TB team. So imagine the coach's surprise when they get the text saying 'We accepted a position with another team.' It's a commuications issue more than anything else in this case.

In all of these scenarios, expecting a "Congratulations! I am so happy for (player X) and your family!' type of response is being a bit unrealistic. Travel Ball has become a business for many. While many should expect a cordial send off, that doesn't mean an overwhelmingly supportive one full of well wishes.
 

Marie Sheva

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Thanks so much for answering. I figured as much but also worried that maybe we had made some kind of misstep. We did tell the coach DD wanted to play on the newly forming rec -->travel team but they weren't really getting their sh*t together and we know that at this point she would be playing too far down, as nice as they all are. We left the decision to her and she really wanted to move on to a serious club. DD is all business. She's not at all worried about hurt feelings. She is sure of her choice. I admire her for that.
 

daboss

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To have a team at all, you need a pitcher that can, at minimum, throw strikes. There are not enough pitchers for the number of teams that want to form and compete--------at any level. Coaches get their undies in a bunch when they realize they don't have a pitcher. Most coaches know nothing about proper pitching mechanics so they can't teach it. It's for this reason, most families with dedicated kids will want to join an established organization for a variety of reasons. Many will have a qualified pitching instructor on staff so the learning curve can continue. Many will have a facility to practice in. The list goes on. It's a different family dynamic if you are up for it.

It can alienate you from some local flavor. Don't expect your neighbors to come gushing over your choices. As the kids get older, many will not be gracious at all. Committing to an organization can have its drawbacks. They want a total commitment that could mean a year-around involvement. Once it starts you will find yourself less connected locally to friends and family.

You have to decide what you are willing to commit to and go with it. Don't go half way. Nobody will be happy. Make a choice and try it for a season. Just don't expect the coaches that you did not join their program to be happy. As mentioned, the experienced coaches will be respectful while the others will be upset, or they will have their head down trying to find that piece of the puzzle they need to make it all work. Immature comes to mind. lol.
 

Marie Sheva

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To have a team at all, you need a pitcher that can, at minimum, throw strikes. There are not enough pitchers for the number of teams that want to form and compete--------at any level. Coaches get their undies in a bunch when they realize they don't have a pitcher. Most coaches know nothing about proper pitching mechanics so they can't teach it. It's for this reason, most families with dedicated kids will want to join an established organization for a variety of reasons. Many will have a qualified pitching instructor on staff so the learning curve can continue. Many will have a facility to practice in. The list goes on. It's a different family dynamic if you are up for it.

It can alienate you from some local flavor. Don't expect your neighbors to come gushing over your choices. As the kids get older, many will not be gracious at all. Committing to an organization can have its drawbacks. They want a total commitment that could mean a year-around involvement. Once it starts you will find yourself less connected locally to friends and family.

You have to decide what you are willing to commit to and go with it. Don't go half way. Nobody will be happy. Make a choice and try it for a season. Just don't expect the coaches that you did not join their program to be happy. As mentioned, the experienced coaches will be respectful while the others will be upset, or they will have their head down trying to find that piece of the puzzle they need to make it all work. Immature comes to mind. lol.

All very good points. Thank you for your insight. Being outside of the local circles will take some getting used to, for sure. And I do think the rec/travel team was counting on our DD as the "glue to hold it all together," but that would not have been fair to her. These years are really important in her development as an athlete. She needs and deserves to play to her potential. She's worked really hard. Great to hear your perspective and experience!
 

Mad Hornet

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What's funny about this I went through something similar way back when my middle daughter was 9 and it's the reason my handle is Mad Hornet. After Jess accepted a position on a travel team, the Licking Heights Middle School coach who also had a community rec league all-star team literally called me and threatened that if she continued playing travel ball she "couldn't guarantee she would make the middle school team". A few years later that coach was long gone after it was discovered she had been embezzling funds from the rec program and Jess ended up being the MVP of her middle school team.

Hopefully those guys will come to the realization you did the best thing for your family and it will all calm down.
 

Marie Sheva

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What's funny about this I went through something similar way back when my middle daughter was 9 and it's the reason my handle is Mad Hornet. After Jess accepted a position on a travel team, the Licking Heights Middle School coach who also had a community rec league all-star team literally called me and threatened that if she continued playing travel ball she "couldn't guarantee she would make the middle school team". A few years later that coach was long gone after it was discovered she had been embezzling funds from the rec program and Jess ended up being the MVP of her middle school team.

Hopefully those guys will come to the realization you did the best thing for your family and it will all calm down.

Wow! That is crazy! But I am not surprised now that I see how quickly the vibe can change with some of these coaches. I get it on some level. They have volunteered so much of their time and energy, and they get attached. It's very personal for them. At the travel level, it seems more transactional, business-like. But in the end, it should be about these young athletes fulfilling their potential and living out their passion for the sport. No one should ever want to stand in the way of that. Thanks for sharing!
 

bleacherbum

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Sounds like you have found out why a few got a little bitter. You fell for the "Used Car Salesmen" and as you said were "Over the Moon" by what they had to say.
Now less than 6 weeks later you are ready to move on. It's not about who does the best snow job, or who just changed their team name to a cool new "National" level organization. Open the package and take a good look before making the next decision. Because that name change, didn't change the coaches, might change the roster (but it could be worse than previous), doesn't mean that is going to get that coach that played a C level schedule the last 2 years into Top Showcase events.
Do homework and as someone once sang "Don't get fooled again"
 

Tallmadge Force Gold

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Why does everyone have to be best friends? Why can't they just be competitors? If you choose one team over another, usually that team will feel offended. It's OK. The World will still go on and everyone can keep playing softball.

I've never understood why players/coaches/parents can't just have a clean break. They don't need to be "nice" or make you feel better about your choice. My opinion is don't burn bridges but I also believe that once you are not apart of "us", then you are apart of "them".
 

OHsoftball

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My daughter is in college now but it cracks me up looking back at how grown men acted over stuff like this, especially at the 10U and 12U level. Then… when she got to 14U we really saw how cutthroat the softball world really is.. especially on those high level teams where everyone’s kid is trying to be recruited. My daughter had a coach who was an awesome coach at 10-12U but at 14U-16U, he would have sold his soul to the devil to get his kid a D1 scholarship..
 

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