Is it ever ok to quit?

[OHsoftball]

My dd plays for this basketball team, it isn't a school team...i guess you could call it a mini travel team since they have girls from a few different schools but they mainly just play in leagues. I will start off by saying she is a very hard worker and gives 110% at all times. Starting out in the fall, she was a starter for this team and got a lot of playing time. (She will be the first one to say that softball is her best sport and she isn't the best basketball player on the court my any means)...but for the little time she put into it, she does (did) very well. A couple months ago her "friends" on the team started ignoring her and excluding her from everything....then her coach even quit asking her to open gyms and no long offered her rides to practice as he has before. Now she is lucky to step foot on the court in games, scrimmages and she said she even sets out most of the time at practice. She has been so beat down...her confidence right now is at an all time low. I'm lost as to why this coach seems to have an issue with her but is there ever a time to step in and say "that's enough"? I have never taught her to quit anything but she is miserable and it's effecting her confidence in things more important like school and softball.

 

[daboss]

My advice is to confront the coach with the same interests you explained here and try to get an answer from the coach. All we can do from this end is speculate about the reasons why and to quit cold turkey without finding out would leave me with an empty feeling. Don't approach the coach in an aggressive manner but calmly much like your post reads here. You guys feel hurt from the way you are being treated at the moment.

As far as quitting, it is okay to quit under the right circumstances. From your post it appears something has or has not happened to bring on a change of heart or you're being phased out after serving their purpose in a selfish way. If all they wanted was your daughter for a body until they could fill their needs with other talent they should have been more open to you about their motives. People need to realize the importance of being honest. You may have been okay with the situation if this is the case and nobody would have been troubled with the feelings you are dealing with now. If the reason falls back on your shoulders at the least you may have a chance to apologize before leaving or have a second chance to make things right.

If they refuse to give you a reason I still suggest a quiet parting of ways and move forward knowing that you at least tried to find out the why's and what fors. Good luck.

 

[travelinmom]

Sounds like "mean girls" strike again. Shame on the coach for getting sucked in instead of being the adult. It is important for your daughter, with you present, to have a crucial conversation with the coaches. Starting with an "I" statement, then questions, and finally listing her own options/solutions. This way she isn't whining, she is taking an active part in her experience and learning valuable life lessons.
"I" statement goes like this: I feel (insert emotion here=confused, hurt, angry, etc) when I am (state situation without pointing fingers=left out of team communications, practices, suddenly not included in the group). Have I done something to negatively change my role on this team? What do I need to do to get back to where I was earlier in the season? Then list your choices and reasons for them, whatever they are: 1) I can walk away now without any explanation just because my feelings are hurt. 2) I can listen to and accept your critique of my performance/skills and work on improving them in order to regain my standing on the team. 3) I can finish the season on the bench because I am a member of this team but no one here has the right to speak negatively of me as a person while I am here.
The point is to take responsibility, determine if anything can be done to salvage the experience, perhaps teach the coach and other girls something about what a good teammate really is.
Mostly it is okay to quit after doing the necessary work; no person should ever be on the receiving end of bullying/abuse and stay just because they aren't a "quitter".

 

[HITTER23]

Sounds like the situation has deteriorated to the point that all the politically correct "meetings" in the world would be a waste of time. You didnt mention the age group which would determine whether i would handle it as a parent or let the DD do it, either way i dont see it improving much at this point.

 

[Fairman]

My daughter lost two seasons of travel ball by being on the wrong team(s) We should have walked when it became apparent that they were not going to use her in her primary position, even in meaningless games. Your daughter only has so many seasons before she is done. Don't waste them by sticking in a horrible situation.

This is supposed to be fun.

 

[Louuuuu]

"Quitting", in a lot of people's eyes, shows lack of character. In this situation, it shows intelligence.

 

[OHsoftball]

My advice is to confront the coach with the same interests you explained here and try to get an answer from the coach. All we can do from this end is speculate about the reasons why and to quit cold turkey without finding out would leave me with an empty feeling. Don't approach the coach in an aggressive manner but calmly much like your post reads here. You guys feel hurt from the way you are being treated at the moment.

As far as quitting, it is okay to quit under the right circumstances. From your post it appears something has or has not happened to bring on a change of heart or you're being phased out after serving their purpose in a selfish way. If all they wanted was your daughter for a body until they could fill their needs with other talent they should have been more open to you about their motives. People need to realize the importance of being honest. You may have been okay with the situation if this is the case and nobody would have been troubled with the feelings you are dealing with now. If the reason falls back on your shoulders at the least you may have a chance to apologize before leaving or have a second chance to make things right.

If they refuse to give you a reason I still suggest a quiet parting of ways and move forward knowing that you at least tried to find out the why's and what fors. Good luck.

We have tried exactly that and it got us nowhere. The coaches think that what they are doing is right and they don't see the other girls doing anything wrong. These kids are 6th grade.

 

[softballmom2000]

6th grade is tough. Actually, all of middle school now is tough, but 6th grade seems to be when the girls get really mean, and really personal with their attacks. You need to do what is best for your DD emotionally and mentally. Sometimes the best is just to remove yourself from the toxic situation. I hope and pray it all works out for you and your DD.

 

[OHsoftball]

..........

 

[travelinmom]

6th grade is definitely the beginning of the "mean girl" phase. Read the book Queen Bees and Wannabes and or watch the movie Mean Girls for a comedic look at a common and terrible but typical girl behavior. I use the movie as the foundation for a Girl Scout program that I run over a weekend for 6-8 grade girls. We discuss bullying, cliques, first-impressions, frenemies, being a true friend, managing conflict, and identifying the things that make us each a valuable person to know.

It sounds like your DD needs confidence boosting, she will do well to advocate for herself with this coach now. Middle school athletic director can be called in if needed after softball season begins. Be very clear with her that your rants and tone are not related to her but are the feelings of a parent hurting for their child.

My DD was cut from the softball team junior year as the cherry on top of an experience similar to what you described. We talked at home and I interevened only to request a meeting with the varsity staff and AD, DD said her piece and then I had my say about the disgraceful coach behavior. I was also very clear that we weren't asking for her to put on the team because I didn't want my daughter playing for her anyway. DD spoke with her softball network of adult coaches past and present, determined that the HS coach was the issue and used summer season to regain her confidence and make a plan working around that person. She is now playing college ball.

Good luck!

 

[wvanalmsick]

...and here is a little twist. The same coach will be coaching the schools jr high softball team.. 6th graders can play but my dd is scared to death she isn't going to get a fair shot. She really wants to play for her school but she shouldn't be made to feel this way. She plays for the Lasers so im pretty sure she isnt a shabby ball player.

Ok, I am going to open up a can of worms here on 2 different fronts....

First, 6th graders being allowed to play with 7th and 8th graders??? If your school district has a school sponsored Jr. High team, this is in violation of OHSAA rules. But, let's say they are calling it a "Club" team. Well, the school board has to sign-off on any activities that occur on the school grounds so they are in effect, sponsoring a team. I would ask the Jr. High AD about this and get a ruling, in writing, from him/her.

Second, having been a very proud parent of a young DD who made a travel team......have you or your DD continually talked to other parents on the BB team about your DD making the (enter any elite team name)? I have seen this before and it drives a wedge between the other players and parents, especially if this coach is a coach of another travel softball team. Just a thought. I am not knocking the Lasers, I am not a Laser hater. I know and have seen how parents are excited and proud of their DD making a very good travel team and I have seen how other parents react. Been there, seen that, even done a little bit of that.

So, to circle back to the question....In this case I would say it is ok to leave the team. But, I would talk with the league director. As for softball, I would forgo the Jr. High ball and stay with the travel team during that period. Most of the 10U and 12U teams still have practices and hold tournaments during the school season.

Can I ask, what part of the state are you in?

 

[OHsoftball]

No matter of fact...i don't think one of the parents or players on her bball team even knows who she plays travel softball with.. we have not told them anyways...so NO that is not the issue here.

We are in southeastern ohio.

 

[wvanalmsick]

Ok. Tell her to keep a positive attitude and that softball season will be here shortly.

 

[daboss]

We have tried exactly that and it got us nowhere. The coaches think that what they are doing is right and they don't see the other girls doing anything wrong. These kids are 6th grade.

I don't know what to say. If the coaches refuse to give you a reason for the change in venue the only thing left is to form your own reason of why. I'm surprised that a coach would ignore your request. My main concern is the change in playing time, the bench sitting, and the coach to change his committment give your daughter rides to practice without ever telling you why he won't be able to anymore. We don't know what the original arrangement was with you and the coach. Had he offered to do it till a certain date? Did he say I simply can't do it anymore? Did he mention his wife said I'm not allowed to stop at your house anymore? lol. I know, I shouldn't joke but just trying to understand why this gesture has come to an end bothers me and I'm not you!

The mean girl thing happens more than you know in almost all female sports. Many girls use the competitive time in sports to be a time of social acceptance. To find a team roster full of teenage girls that have the chemistry to get along all the time is pretty rare. Cliques develop within the roster. Certain girls always sit together on the bench, go after ice cream together between games, and converse together away from softball. Tough for any girl to handle whatever the age. I used to joke with parents that I never let my daughter have 2 friends spend the night. A total of 3 never works out as 2 always seem to be getting along at any given time while the 3rd seems to always be left out and their feelings are hurt. If you allow a stayover be sure to keep the total in the even numbers so the girls will have a better chance at pairing up and always have at least 1 friend to play with.

I'm basically down to my last suggestion for you. Perhaps you can ask the parent of 1 of the other girls about this and maybe they can share an answer that makes sense. It should have been on the coaches shoulders but since they won't come clean perhaps another parent will. I'd still like to know what the coaches said just for my own curiosity.

 

[Pacerdad57]

Yes there comes a point of diminishing returns where no other option remains.
we ran into a similar problem last season in travel ball. DD removed herself to collect her thoughts and feelings over one tourney weekend,
the coach had a bad habit of trying to pick up friends of his Dd to replace players every weekend even tho we did not need the players. His regulars he picked were always there. It got to the point after that tourney that he was vocally abusive, 3 3 going so far as to step between our DD and the other players to block her out from the team between innings. Needless to say that made her decide to leave the situation, with our complete.support and backing. She Ended Up Subbing For Other Teams AND Playing More AND Much Further I To Tourneys 5 Han THE Team She left. Last laugh needless.to say. Also that team we disbanded due to coaching problems.
so yes, sometimes it is your only choice.

 

[TheSoftballZone]

Thread fixed and returned to General Section.