Bullying

[Irish196]

Tonight I was sent a go fund me link started to help with funeral expenses for a 13 year old girl from Youngstown who took her own life. Apparently there was some bullying going on. Her obituary said that the "greatest passion she had was for softball."

It broke my heart. I just don't understand how kids can be so cruel. But I do know it happens and the things that can go on in schools and on social media can be unbelievably cruel.

I know bullying or just run of the mill picking on kids will never end. However, I would hope that at least in the local softball community we could try better to help stop that kind of thing. Not just with kids but also with adults. I've seen it happen on numerous occasions - even as recently as a few weeks ago- grown adults yelling at kids (not their own) during softball games and making them break down. No wonder some of the kids follow suit seeing the adults doing it and the coaches not stopping it.
When are people going to learn that it is absolutely unacceptable to publicly humiliate kids for sports or for any reason?? Seriously, it is a sport- it is supposed to be fun and teach you lessons about life- it isn't supposed to ruin your life or make you feel like a failure. Bullying kids or humiliating them in public is not "tough love" or "tough coaching". It is just being a jerk and that can have long lasting and tragic consequences.
Everyone needs to do something. Parents need to lead by example and not talk poorly about players in front of your kids (and preferably not in front of adults either!). Parents also need to talk to kids on a consistent basis about being a good friend and good teammate and teach them the "Golden Rule" if you haven't already. Kids also need to know that they should talk to an adult if they see kids getting bullied and even "tattle" on a teammate if they say anything like "I want to kill myself".

Coaches also need to help put a stop to bullying. If you know it is happening on your team or in your school it is your responsibility to put an end to it (or notify people who can) no matter if it risks losing an "important" player (or players) or risks getting their parents upset. If you are really in this for the girls you should want all of them to have a good experience and not hate coming to play because they are afraid of what their teammates, their teammates' parents or the coaches will say or do to embarrass or hurt them.

It may be wishful thinking, but it would be nice if every girl who played softball (or any team sport) was able to have a "safe haven" in their team. Maybe that could be a goal that is just important as winning.

 

[CoachB25]

I met my best friend in HS because he was being bullied and I had had enough. I took care of one of the guys that hit him and we became best friends. He was never "healthy" and so, was an easy target for anyone that wanted to act like a tough guy. Unfortunately, he died this summer. His Mom thanked me again for our friendship. I told her she had it wrong. It was I that was blessed with his friendship.

Bullying is still prevalent and what is worse now that my generation didn't have to deal with is social media. This poor young lady would have experienced levels of bullying that I/we can't even imagine. In our workshops on bullying that we have to attend each year now before school begins, it is apparent that these young people don't feel like there is a safe place anywhere and that everyone knows the depth of the bullying and are even in on it.

 

[bell27]

My DD experienced a form of bullying on a former team that hurt her bad. When you have 10 girls on a team and three will warm up throw together to avoid having to throw with my DD. There were other things as well. Even parents who bullied her. My daughter was 10 years old for heavens sake. She is 12 now and still gets counseling for what she suffered through. I stood up for her for what I saw happen but so much was hidden from me that I didn't find out about until after that season was over. Winning wise it appeared to be an awesome season. Emotionally a train wreck. Parents I urge you to watch for signs and listen to the team. If they are bullies you will hear them do it. If the parents talk bad about other parents/kids it is almost a sure sign their kids will do it too.

 

[mroby5172]

That girl was my cousin and you have hit the nail right on the head. Very well written. Let's hope our society makes a quick change or I feel the future will be dark.

 

[daboss]

Bullying has been around forever as many know but with social media making it 24/7 and so impersonal it tends to have a deeper and longer-lasting effect. Nobody is held accountable for what they say anymore. They have no respect for each other and seem to have an attitude that it is their God given right to judge others. What happened to manners? Is that a thing of the past? You know manners are not a sign of weakness!

 

[FastBat]

I've seen it happen on numerous occasions - even as recently as a few weeks ago- grown adults yelling at kids (not their own) during softball games and making them break down.

I would say something to the other parents on my dd's team if I caught them doing this...unacceptable. That's what it will take to get it to stop.

Coaches also need to help put a stop to bullying. If you know it is happening on your team or in your school it is your responsibility to put an end to it (or notify people who can) no matter if it risks losing an "important" player (or players) or risks getting their parents upset.

If that important player is bullying, that's a warning sign they are going to have trouble in the future getting along with others.

My DD experienced a form of bullying on a former team that hurt her bad. When you have 10 girls on a team and three will warm up throw together to avoid having to throw with my DD. There were other things as well. Even parents who bullied her. My daughter was 10 years old for heavens sake. She is 12 now and still gets counseling for what she suffered through. I stood up for her for what I saw happen but so much was hidden from me that I didn't find out about until after that season was over. Winning wise it appeared to be an awesome season. Emotionally a train wreck. Parents I urge you to watch for signs and listen to the team. If they are bullies you will hear them do it. If the parents talk bad about other parents/kids it is almost a sure sign their kids will do it too.

You would think the coach would have pulled out their mitt and played catch with this kid. If you are going to coach, one of the prerequisites is being a leader yourself. Allowing that to happen is adding to the bullying. Should this person really be a coach? Or around children at all? I personally don't think so. Could this coach have helped this player? Yes, that would have made a difference in this player's life. One incidence of bullying leads to another, and so on, it snowballs, for sure. Coaches, we need leaders and role models, around our young ladies, this is shameful...and unfortunately this isn't the first time I've heard of something like this at the 10u level.

 

[mike_dyer]

My kid played on a team with a bunch of kids who had been together for a long time. I'm pretty sure a couple of them had the personnel shift from the year before to the next year figured out in their heads, then my kid showed up and threw a wrench in the gears.

Now,, my kid was one of the smaller kids on the team. However, she's stupid strong and she's highly aggressive. None of them were stupid enough to try to physically bully her, that would have ended badly.

They would do petty stuff, like throw the ball 8 or 10 feet over her head or 15 feet to her left or to her right when they were running cut off drills and then say "you need to be louder,,, I can't hear you..." I guess not being able to hear her either made them temporarily blind or made her look like she is 12'10" tall.

She's my kid, and after about 6th time that happened instead of yelling "CUT CUT CUT" she yelled "Throw it in the dugout!"

She wanted to quit. I wouldn't let her simply because I wasn't going to allow the little idiots to have the spot they wanted on the field. One of their dads came over to me after their first tournament in the fall and said "Did you know my kid is the best short stop on Ohio??"

I said "Wow, really? Congrats, man. My kid has never played there before. She was just ad-libbing and making it up on the fly. I hope she at least did ok. I hope she paid good enough attention when she watched softball on TV because there's really not much instruction here, is there?"

It stayed that way all that fall and all the way through the summer. A bunch of petty stuff, no one wanted to get launched though so it never went beyond that. There was one other kid in the same boat so needless to say they ended up being pretty good friends.

 

[Pacerdad57]

Mike, glad at least something good came out of it, she made a good friend.
My DD has been in the same boat, it's fairly common, again she at least made a good friend or two, that coach was kicked out of the org for how he ran the team, and only 1 or 2 of the clique are still playing ball.

 

[okiedad1961]

Mike, liked your story,I don't know what it is w/ girls today if the kid is talented playing with less talented kids the others don't like it and act accordingly,and when the group's talented and there's one or more w less ability there picking on them.Is that a girl thing or a society thing?

 

[OHsoftball]

From what I have seen, I don't think its normally the kid with the lesser ability that gets picked on or excluded.

 

[FastBat]

One of their dads came over to me after their first tournament in the fall and said "Did you know my kid is the best short stop in Ohio??"

That's sad and slightly pathetic.

 

[mike_dyer]

Mike, liked your story,I don't know what it is w/ girls today if the kid is talented playing with less talented kids the others don't like it and act accordingly,and when the group's talented and there's one or more w less ability there picking on them.Is that a girl thing or a society thing?

I've got no idea why they acted the way they did aside from her being the "new" one.

Here is something funny that happened in the fall. My kid hit a homerun. 1st one she ever hit. You know how it happens, she just got ahold of it right. Anyway, I went and got the ball. I said to a few of the other parents "I wouldn't keep it, I quit hanging the pictures she colors up on the fridge a long time ago, but it's her 1st one..."

They said:

"She's NEVER hit a homerun before???"

The way they said it they seemed to be implying that their kids go yard 8 or 10 times each and every weekend.

At the same time that was happening my kid as going through the same thing in the dugout.

The girls said:

"You've NEVER hit a homerun before???"

as though she should be ashamed of herself for hitting a homerun. Funny thing though, the 11 kids on the roster had 1 total homerun all through the fall.

 

[mike_dyer]

That's sad and slightly pathetic.

It was pretty hard to not start laughing at him. Not for being proud of his kid. Who isn't, right?

It's hard to explain. It was a really funny situation.

I kept it together somehow.

 

[mike_dyer]

From what I have seen, I don't think its normally the kid with the lesser ability that gets picked on or excluded.

This is correct.

Throwing a ball to a place where she couldn't possibly get it is as close to "picking on her" as they came. And I don't blame them.

She's not the most,,,, cheery kid you're ever going to talk to. It's not too hard to pick up on.

But like I said, I don't blame them for never taking it any further than petty stuff that probably won't get you smacked up. I mean she's only 1 kid and there's safety in numbers. She may only have only been able to punch 2 of them in the face before she got overwhelmed, who wants to get hit in the face though?? It hurts.

 

[mike_dyer]

And before anyone gets cheeky and lets me know I'm awful for raising kids who know that if they don't fight back, no matter what the odds are, they're getting another whippin when they get home you can save it.

That's how we roll, I'll make no apology for it.

 

[mgardner]

They said:

"She's NEVER hit a homerun before

The girls said:

"You've NEVER hit a homerun before???"

)

I just want to point out that those statements can be taken a couple of ways, as compliments or as insults. The context of the situation is certainly a factor but so is the attitude, and also the confidence, of the receiver of the statements.

 

[mike_dyer]

The eye rolls told the story, on my end anyway.

It sounded like it was the same for her.

 

[nonparentcoach]

What happened to manners? The same thing that happened to boundaries? It's not the kids as much as it is the parenting, or the lack there of.

 

[Irish196]

I met my best friend in HS because he was being bullied and I had had enough. I took care of one of the guys that hit him and we became best friends. He was never "healthy" and so, was an easy target for anyone that wanted to act like a tough guy. Unfortunately, he died this summer. His Mom thanked me again for our friendship. I told her she had it wrong. It was I that was blessed with his friendship.

That's awesome. I am sure your friendship meant the world to him and his family.

 

[Irish196]

Parents I urge you to watch for signs and listen to the team. If they are bullies you will hear them do it. If the parents talk bad about other parents/kids it is almost a sure sign their kids will do it too.

I hope your daughter has found a better group of girls to play with! Unfortunately over the years and different teams, our daughter has seen a few of her favorite teammates move on because of mean kids and parents and coaches that let that go on.

I always encourage my daughter to be the person who talks to the girl no one is talking to or to include the girls no one else wants to include- to just do what she would want someone to do for her if she was in that situation. I know to some people it seems like no big deal, but having no one who wants to warm up with you probably feels like hours of humiliation in the eyes of a teenaged girl.