forcing kid to play

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Member

• Aug 19, 2009

• #1

Wondering your thoughts on parents forcing their daughter's into playing for a team they do not want to play for. I've coached a girl for three yrs. she still wants to play for my team but her parents are making her play for another team . Should as we as parents let them choose the team they want to play for? My daughter was recently asked to be the #1 pitcher for the stingrays 14U for next yr. I wanted her to play but left the choice up to her and she chose to stay with her friends, and I respect that my question is, is there ever a time when you should dictate whom your child plays for?

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #2

I think a parent knows their child best. If my dd was making a decision like that I would look at what was going to be better for her in the long run and whether she was making the decision out of fear. Fear of leaving old friends or of meeting new people etc...
If she wanted to go jump off a bridge, I wouldn't let her do that...lol But I think some decisions are better left to her. Each parent has to know their own dd and make decisions as a family. IMHO

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #3

First and formost...are you going to get the DD to play at her best for a team she has no desire to play for? Is "making" her play for a team she dosnt want to play for going to cause drama? If the team she is on knows she wants to leave would making her stay make the other girls think diff of her? On the flip side as a parent you have to protect your kid....Is the team/org. reputable? Will this team make her better? Will she get better exposure? So so so many variables in this decision good luck


Ps BTW you are doing the right thing by letting your DD decide I have done the same and I have to tell you I have seen a big change in her attitude and dedication. I guess when they can choose themselves(and make good decisions) it shows maturity kudos

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #4

There comes a time when you have to trust your DD's choices. My experience was this when DD decided she wanted to play travel: I FORCED her to play on a travel team for a weekend tournament that needed a fill in player. The girls were rude and didn't even talk to her except for maybe 2 players. Needless to say that was her last tournament with them. It was a very well known organization and talented team so I wanted her to get her foot in the door and possibly make the team the following season.

Another travel team that same season needed fill in players and DD said that her first requirement whether she decided to play for them on a regular basis was that she had to like the girls first. She wound up playing for that team and organization for 4 years and is still friends with a lot of those players. When you are with the girls for so many hours throughout the week and weekend you have to like them and get along with them.

Travel Ball is about the sport but also about making friends and the experiences that you have.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #5

If the team will make her a better player and she is having fun, I don't care which team she plays for. If she will be wasting her time, not learning anything, or doesn't like the girls, I won't let her play there. Other than that I feel it is her decision, it is her softball career not mine. As long as she is learning and having fun, that is all that matters.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #6

I agree completely with letting my DD make the decision on which team to play for as long as she will learn and grow. They have to like their teammates and coaches or it will be a miserable season.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #7

I prefer the parents to make the decision with the input of the player. Cant expect a player between 14-17 to necessarily make the most educated decision for their future. As much as we think our kids are capable of making the best decision, they still are young. Most have trouble picking out what to wear for school that day.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #8

We as parents are responsible to guide our children down the right path, let them make their own decisions with your input. Kids can make decisions based on their mood for the day, not thinking about how it effects their future. If playing with friends means that your DD will be held back on her developement as a player, then as a parent you have to help her see that fact and let her make the eduated decision, and some kids just dont care about playing college ball even if mom and dad want them too.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #9

Sometimes the daughter fears the reputation of the new coach or team.

They often need a little push to, at least, let them briefly experience the new situation and then make an informed decision. But, ultimately, it should be the players choice.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #10

When all is said and done and your kid turns 19....it doesn't matter....DD made the decison to change teams twice, leaving friends, so she could have better exposure only to be miserable for a 2 summers with coaches that drove her crazy & started to make the Game a JOB (yes, as parents we encouraged the decision) she finished her travel career with a less prominent organization but team and coaches that actually had the right goals #1 play good softball, #2 have fun, #3 have fun, #4 have fun and she did, she made new friends, I think in a way rediscovered her love for the game and is going back to college stronger than ever. Thanks Coach Sherman

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #11

The season before last my dd played for an organization that I totally loved. I loved the coaches from all the teams, the parents, the kids. That being said my dd loved the coaches from all the teams, but didn't gel with the players on her team. This past year she decided to go on a team with a lot of her friends. It was an absolute disaster!! I told her that this year I would decided for her. I didnt care if she liked it! I made her go back to the first teams tryouts, and from the second she stepped out of the car she was unhappy. She had a great tryout, however, the gelling with the girls still did not happen. There could be a lot of reasons for this that are unimportant on this thread. I could not, in all fairness and love to her, make her play with a team she would have dreaded going to practice with, going to tournaments with, and spending nights in hotels with. It would never have worked. Your dd's have to have some input in where they play. Yes, take her to tryouts that will be with organizations that are good ones and let her choose from that. But ultimately the decision has to be hers.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #12

My question is: what was there a lack of or what happened to make the parents "force" their dd to leave? Could it possibly be that the kid wanted to leave and when asked why she threw her folks under the bus saying "my parents are forcing me."

My dd has lofty goals, she had choices and she went through all the pros and cons of each team, then she she told me her choice. If I thought it was a horrible choice, I would gently push her in another direction, but I wouldn't force her to play for a team she absolutely hated.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #13

The question really is: When their softball playing is done, what kind of memories do you want your dd's to have about their time playing softball. I have heard on more then one occasion about trophies collecting dust. I'm sure some of the frienship's they make could possibly last for the rest of their lives. Definitely my dd's call on the team.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #14

Unfortunately some of the mindset of rec. ball has bled over into select softball in the last few years. I call it the "ice cream" mentality. Everybody wins, then we all go get ice cream.

The reality is that select ball, by design, is a platform to prepare your daughter for ever increasing levels of competition - FAR different than rec. ball. There will come a time when your DD will have to start making her own decisions in life without mom and dad holding her hand. We ALL know that's the goal, and our job as parents is to be there (even when DD is 30!) to help her and soften any hard landings.

The process starts when she's introduced to select ball from rec. ball. Obviously, she wanted more, or she'd stay playing rec. ball. As parents, we need to explain the opportunities that select ball presents, and guide her in setting goals and how to achieve them. We need to instill in her a sense of ownership - these are HER goals. We, as parents, will help her all we can, but DD is the one who puts forth the bulk of the work.

Your DD will have days when she is tired and doesn't want to go to a batting lesson, etc. Well, a little push from mom and dad might be a good thing to remind her of her goals. This gentle nudging process is to keep her focused on HER goals (not mom & dad's). If and when softball becomes more of a burden than a joy to her, you'll know. And hopefully she won't blame mom and dad for "forcing" her to play, because this was her plan -NOT mom & dad's. All mom & dad did was help her become educated about what opportunities were available. This teaching/learning process will be a valuable tool for her as she gets older, and grows into a responsible adult - making adult decisions.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #15

Wise words Sammy! As usual.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #16

cjs said:

We as parents are responsible to guide our children down the right path, let them make their own decisions with your input. Kids can make decisions based on their mood for the day, not thinking about how it effects their future. If playing with friends means that your DD will be held back on her developement as a player, then as a parent you have to help her see that fact and let her make the eduated decision, and some kids just dont care about playing college ball even if mom and dad want them too.

Click to expand...

I think CJS said it best.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #17

From a players point of view; I'd say that it's great to allow your daughter to choose which team she wants to play for. If you happen to disagree with their first choice, then try giving them the pros & cons {such as playing time, exposure they'll recieve, tournament schedule, etc.} of the team you'd like them to play for, and the team they'd like to play for. It's great {and certainly helps me} for an athlete to know those details so they can make a more accurate decision for themselves.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #18

I agree with kwoot7 and sad....ultimately it is the kids who have to play with the team and should be their decision.

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #19

kwoot7 said:

From a players point of view; I'd say that it's great to allow your daughter to choose which team she wants to play for. If you happen to disagree with their first choice, then try giving them the pros & cons {such as playing time, exposure they'll recieve, tournament schedule, etc.} of the team you'd like them to play for, and the team they'd like to play for. It's great {and certainly helps me} for an athlete to know those details so they can make a more accurate decision for themselves.

Click to expand...

Kwoot7,very well said.:cap:

 

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• Aug 19, 2009

• #20

This is obviously a real dilemma between empowering kids and helping them learn to make decisions, and simply being their parent. This is definitely a situation by situation type thing, ... dependent on age, level of play, family dynamics, travel commitment, finances, and other stakes.

I literally "forced" dd to play softball when she was little, game was WAY "too slow" for her as a basketball & sokker player. She really didn't like it, but she had talent. She liked it a LOT more once she got on a really good team, that was highly competitive, and demanded that every player function on every play. I steered her that way, heck she was afraid to even get out of the car at 11u try outs till "Silver7" came over and made friends with an offer to throw, with her great smile ...

We made decisions for her at the early ages, with her agreement (begrudging at times). As time has passed (15u now), she progressively makes most of her own decisions now, with our parental input as the "voice of reason"

She is her own young lady now, and is making more & more of her own decisions. Softball has been a good long term exercise in learning decision making processes. BTW, she is VERY glad that I would not let her quit softball, which would have been her choice, back then. She loves her team, and playing.