Help...

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I am just completing my second season as a manager and am in some serious need of help. Through two summers, I have been trying to build on the "team" concept. I am finding it extremely difficult. The players and parents in my area are of the belief this is an individual sport. I have no daughter on the team. The only reason I do this is to give back to the kids for all of the great volunteers who coached me through the years. I "old school" when it comes to team sports, i.e. the team comes first, etc. My problems stem from the fact that every parent believes their DD is an all-star, which simply is not true. There are times I play a girl in right field instead of at second base and I receive a mile-long text on Monday about who should play where while explaining their DD's best position is second base. I try to explain that yes, her best position might be second base, but in order for the team to find success, I need her to play in right field. This explanation is often shouted down or not heard at all. They rant and rave when we lose, but don't accept the team concept in trying to build a winner. As far as I see it, no team wins unless it puts the team first. 12 or 13 individuals never win, I can tell you that from my two seasons. I guess what I'm asking is how do you sell the team concept and make everyone understand that it is not about the individual? Very few of my girls will ever play in college, so showcasing individuals has no point in my team. Another example is that I use the DP/Flex almost every game. It gives me flexibility with changing pitchers and allows me to play the best nine fielders while also hitting my best nine batters. I had a girl who was my fourth-best third baseman, my fifth-best first baseman and my fourth-best pitcher. She was, shall I say, not very athletic. On top of that, she was lazy as a fielder and took more than an hour to warm up to pitch. But she was clearly one of my best nine hitters if she put forth the effort and let us coach her. So she was my DP nearly every game. This did not sit well with her parents, who took to screaming at individual players and their parents by the end of the season. My explanation to where she was in the depth chart fell on deaf ears. They claimed I should start moving my best players at positions to other positions they've never played in order to get their DD in the lineup at a spot she coveted. I told them in no uncertain terms that it would never happen, this isn't rec ball. Not everyone has to play six outs in the field and get a turn to bat. The goal is teach the game properly, expand players' abilities and to win all while having some fun while we do it. Advice in this area from experienced coaches is much appreciated. Two years now I have had a team ruined by this selfish behavior.

 

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Bob ... I empathize with you. This attitude by parents is part of what has at least temporarily chased me away from coaching travel ball. While this has always been out there, I feel strongly that it's gotten much worse in recent years. 5-10 years ago, I'd see this in maybe 10-20% of the parents, and I could live with it. But the last 3 years I coached, it was more like 30-50% of the parents. And by the way, it was predominantly the parents and not the girls. And I was also a non-parent coach those 3 years, trying to do what I thought was best for the team. Some parents are "over-invested" in their kids' sports ... I get some of the reasons why given that it has become a year-round thing with many people driving long distances, and hiring hitting/pitching/defensive coaches. But it's clearly not right ... the ideas of team and respect for coaches has been lost by too many parents ... not all, and not even a majority, but sometimes enough to ruin it for all. If I had all of the answers, I'd still be coaching because I do miss it. I know a couple of things I'd do different next time, but I will also be anxious to hear how others respond ....

 

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Bob ... I empathize with you. This attitude by parents is part of what has at least temporarily chased me away from coaching travel ball. While this has always been out there, I feel strongly that it's gotten much worse in recent years. 5-10 years ago, I'd see this in maybe 10-20% of the parents, and I could live with it. But the last 3 years I coached, it was more like 30-50% of the parents. And by the way, it was predominantly the parents and not the girls. And I was also a non-parent coach those 3 years, trying to do what I thought was best for the team. Some parents are "over-invested" in their kids' sports ... I get some of the reasons why given that it has become a year-round thing with many people driving long distances, and hiring hitting/pitching/defensive coaches. But it's clearly not right ... the ideas of team and respect for coaches has been lost by too many parents ... not all, and not even a majority, but sometimes enough to ruin it for all. If I had all of the answers, I'd still be coaching because I do miss it. So I will also be anxious to hear how others respond ....

Jeff,
You will always be Coach Jeff to Ashe and I. I miss talking softball with you and Tony. Thanks again for helping Ashe become the player she is today.

 

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Do exactly what they ask.....put 7 girls at second base.....no outfield, no other positions but pitcher and catcher....when you lose 95-0 and they complain...just tell them you are doing what they asked!

 

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I always responded to parents in a similar vein, Witt. I told complaining parents that I wasn't being paid for this, I wasw doing what I and the coaches thought was best for the team, and that they were welcome to the job next year.

 

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Witt, I actually considered that in our final tournament this year. At 18u, it would have been a fitting response. Then I thought about the girls who had done everything the right way, no complaints, no eye rolls, no attitudes. And it dawned on me that the parents were going to ruin things for those poor kids if I didn't find a way to fix the problem.

 

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Coach jwb, I know I'm not alone in this. It seems like we all battle this problem. I just don't understand what it is we're supposed to accomplish if everyone is out for themselves. You're right. It's not all of them or a majority of them. But it's just enough to ruin a team before you even have a team assembled. The true answer is that the parents have to stay out of it. The kids will do what you ask, even if they don't like it. It's the parents who hammer on them when they leave the field that causes the dissension. However, parents are every bit part of a team as the kids. And they will never buy the team concept because their DDs are stars in their mind, even when the strike out three times, miss two bunts with runners at second, boot three ground balls and make a throw that isn't even in the area code of where it was supposed to land.

 

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However, coach jwb, at least you managed to make a few good impressions along the way. It seems as if you still have supporters, even years after giving it up. That's commendable in every way. It means you reached at least one family. Cherish that.

 

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Thanks, Andrew and Bob ... I know in my heart that I did help a few kids along the way, but I'm still interested in what others have to say how to avoid this. My daughter has coached with me the last few years, and she has seen it as well, but what advice do we give her and others as up and coming coaches? Some of it is about screening the parents to the extent you can, and/or not asking high maintenance families back the next year. Part of it is about laying out the ground rules right away, and then following through on the consequences. Part of it is about carrying a big enough roster so that when you have to release someone for breaking the rules and/or because they're not happy with them, you still have enough to field a team.

 

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Have 9 Japanese players...they will be shocked you are not practicing 8 hours a day and their coach is not screaming at them. They will understand team concept but you may miss out on individualism.

 

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I am just completing my second season as a manager and am in some serious need of help. Through two summers, I have been trying to build on the "team" concept. I am finding it extremely difficult. The players and parents in my area are of the belief this is an individual sport. I have no daughter on the team. The only reason I do this is to give back to the kids for all of the great volunteers who coached me through the years. I "old school" when it comes to team sports, i.e. the team comes first, etc. My problems stem from the fact that every parent believes their DD is an all-star, which simply is not true. There are times I play a girl in right field instead of at second base and I receive a mile-long text on Monday about who should play where while explaining their DD's best position is second base. I try to explain that yes, her best position might be second base, but in order for the team to find success, I need her to play in right field. This explanation is often shouted down or not heard at all. They rant and rave when we lose, but don't accept the team concept in trying to build a winner. As far as I see it, no team wins unless it puts the team first. 12 or 13 individuals never win, I can tell you that from my two seasons. I guess what I'm asking is how do you sell the team concept and make everyone understand that it is not about the individual? Very few of my girls will ever play in college, so showcasing individuals has no point in my team. Another example is that I use the DP/Flex almost every game. It gives me flexibility with changing pitchers and allows me to play the best nine fielders while also hitting my best nine batters. I had a girl who was my fourth-best third baseman, my fifth-best first baseman and my fourth-best pitcher. She was, shall I say, not very athletic. On top of that, she was lazy as a fielder and took more than an hour to warm up to pitch. But she was clearly one of my best nine hitters if she put forth the effort and let us coach her. So she was my DP nearly every game. This did not sit well with her parents, who took to screaming at individual players and their parents by the end of the season. My explanation to where she was in the depth chart fell on deaf ears. They claimed I should start moving my best players at positions to other positions they've never played in order to get their DD in the lineup at a spot she coveted. I told them in no uncertain terms that it would never happen, this isn't rec ball. Not everyone has to play six outs in the field and get a turn to bat. The goal is teach the game properly, expand players' abilities and to win all while having some fun while we do it. Advice in this area from experienced coaches is much appreciated. Two years now I have had a team ruined by this selfish behavior.

One quick way to know if you have a "team" or a collection of individuals. If you have a bunch of small groups, parents and players, sitting around talking about the other small groups then you do not have a team and its time to change the culture. I went through this with parents and it caused me to step away from the team/game for a time. I have since decided to continue to give back and make a positive contribution where I can and fight the battles I can win. If I see selfishness with a player or family, I'll address it and if we cannot coexist its time to move on. If I am assisting another head coach, then my job is to have their back and support the team where I can. If I am just a parent, then it is my job to buy into the team and address other parents for bad behavior if need be, take some responsibility and do not be a coward. We all have a stake in the team, not just our kids and we need to act like it or move on.
Honesty and communication is the key, but there are no silver bullets. If you know a player is first baseman the do not sign 5 first baseman with all having expectations to start. Do not sign 5-6 pitchers and wonder why the parents are ****ed that the 25-50 an hour for lessons is wasted on your team, after being told at tryouts that they will pitch. We cannot read the future, but just try and be honest with what you know at the time and always continue to communicate and make yourself available. I always tell my teams that you can talk to me about anything, you may not like my answer, but it will be an honest one.
Good luck and keep working at it, the sport needs good coaches and caretakers building a passion for the game in our youth.

 

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I have found that you really need to set up ground rules to your parent contact during the season.

#1 - 24 hour rule- I delete any email sent during a weekend. I only respond to emails that are sent after 24 hours of our last game
#2 - I will not respond to any email that even mentions a player other than that parents daughter

By following the above 2 rules it pretty much keeps the peace. And honestly minimizes complaints. If you give them an audience or try to defend your decisions you are falling right into their trap. Because you can not use logic on crazy. And when it comes to someones kids they are full crazy.

You have to realize that you are not going to be liked. And at times you will be despised. But that is part of the job. I have come to believe that you can not "manage" your parents or be their friend during the season. Do your thing, be honest, and follow a sent of rules. By doing that you will win over the middle 60% and will only have to deal with the always complaining 20%.

 

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Since we are in try-out season, this is the place and time to start. Lay-out clear player and PARENT expectations and how the team will be managed. Put it in writing and keep it in your notebook so it can be readily available when you are having discussions with any particular parent. Let the kid and parents know at try-outs where you see them playing and where you don't see them playing. If they are dead set at playing a particular position and you don't see that, then tell them they can play that position on someone else's team (you can be a little softer/kinder with this if you want).

I am a little surprised at the age group but this will work in your favor. At this age group, you don't have to coddle the kids or the parents. Tell them exactly where their skill set is. It will be like a cold glass of water in the face.

Best of luck on getting the ship righted and having a successful season.

 

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Sorry for the length and rambling of this but it is a very important subject that gets me fired up. My daughter was a 2012 high school graduate and I could not believe what I was seeing at the younger levels as her travel ball days came to a close. I had always enjoyed spending time between games walking around and watching the younger girls play, but more and more I saw openly poor behavior by parents in the stands. Screaming at players, coaches and umpires. Usually right after their daughter struck out or made a fielding error as if they were looking for someone to blame because it must be someone else's fault if their daughter was not perfect. I believe that some of the cause of this is the advancement of Ohio softball and communication tools like OFC. More and more Ohio players are getting scholarships to schools all over the country as well as right here in Ohio(this is a great thing) and the younger parents are hearing and reading about this. When young player's parents hear all about Ohio players going to Tenn, KY, Oregon, Wash, Marshall, Texas, Mich ST and many more D1 programs they just automatically believe their daughter will be next as if it is guaranteed. They have lost sight of the difficulties and rarity of getting an athletic scholarship because from reading sites like OFC they just think everybody gets one. And coaches who do not play their daughters correctly will cost them the scholarship they are "ENTITLED" to no matter how good the player actually is or how hard she works. While this is where I believe the problems mentioned by the op are coming from it does not address the question of how to get players/parents focused primarily on team. I completely agree with JWB that screening parents and clearly communicated expectations in the fall is important. A coach needs to make it clear that all families involved with the team must be team-first people and if they are not they will not be around very long. Sometimes it feels as if you are punishing the girl for the parents behavior, but unfortunately if you wish to protect the rest of the players/families that is what must be done. If you can keep a core group of players/families who are team first they can hopefully influence new families/players. I hate to say that I am very glad that my family has moved on from travel ball as these changes occur. I also cannot tell you how much what I see now makes me appreciate the incredible team first families we met over the years( I would name them, but there are too many and I might miss some) and coaches she had like JP Flaherty (Lasers), Tim Knapp( North Coast spirit), and Dave Donaldson(Ice) who helped teach her these values.

 

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My DD played travel ball for her local district at 10u. Got the build up that she was all that and a bag of chips. Wasn't performing well, but I'm a mom. Didn't see it that way. DD sat almost an entire tournament weekend. When she did get the chance to bat, she struck out and only made it on base once. Played outfield and nothing came her way. Of course I sent the email to the coach asking "why she sat", "I paid just as much as everyone else so she should play"...etc. (yeah it was one of "those" emails.) Forward to tryouts for 12u of same organization, asked 3x for call backs. She didn't make the cut. WHAT?? BS, I thought.

That was the best thing that ever happened to my dd and myself. Really learned a lot. My DD has never worked harder to prove that she is good enough (still a work in progress, but the fire to perform is there!) And I keep my mouth shut. It is not about me, how much I pay or who my friends are on the team. We have the 24 hour rule for just us and I never email the coach unless they email me first for input. It is not my place, otherwise I'd be the coach. (believe me, you don't want that! LOL!)

In a nutshell, be honest with the parents and players. Call them out on it or cut them. They may not appreciate it then, (or ever) but you have to do whats best for the team. As for my DD, when she gets her D1 scholarship and plays in the 2020 Olympics, the first person she will thank will be her travel ball coach that cut her. Thats when she knew she wanted to play more than anything and worked harder to prove them wrong.

 

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Honesty with parents and players is definitely a key ... and I like both the 24 hour rule and the no mentioning of other players not your own ...

 

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'Kind of late now, but your position should be stated during tryouts - to both players and parents - and before the players even join your team.

Maybe 50 % will "get it". But at least you have reduced your aggravation factor.

 

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As a coach one of the best things that I ever did was to inform my parents and my players that they would all learn to play both an outfield position and an infield position if they were going to play on this team. This allowed me the flexibility of moving players around in each practice and in each game. My attitude was first that if you never played a position how do you know that you're good (or bad) at it and that your next team may have 5 second basemen but no left fielders. This flexibility really paid off when injuries would or scheduling conflicts would force players into their secondary positions not to mentioned that all worked harder to maintain their primary position during practice and games when someone was breathing down their neck.

Perhaps Sundays would look more stable but Fridays and Saturdays we moved around a lot. we seldom went into SUnday undefeated but we went deep on Sundays.

 

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Coachjwb touched on so many things that are crucial to selecting your players and everyone else including the mom that confessed to being "one of those parents once" has shared so much information that I'm afraid anything I could share would simply be redundant. If you will allow me, I'd like to try.

Honesty, can't say enough about that. Versatility, without a doubt one of the most important things you need to get parents to understand. There are many more but these stand tall in the scheme of things. Your mission statement is important as well. Make sure each family knows and at least in concept will agree in the beginning what you are trying to accomplish with your effort. Be sure to have a very detailed parent/player contract in hard copy that they agree to in the beginning. You never want to shorten this tool because it'll always be there as your crutch when you need it. Be sure to agree to a working schedule that includes expectations for practices as well as games. Stick to your schedule whenever possible and work on a plan B so no time is taken off including rainouts. Maintain a positive image and learning environment. Parents are less apt to rock a professionally run ship. Last, be sure you are offering the best teaching methods with proper technique and skills and be ready to defend yourself.

One last tip, evaluate the reasons "Why" you are doing this and recognize you cannot teach or coach girls in the same manner as boys. Girls hold their sporting adventure in a different priority than boys and accept the experience differently than how boys would react to the same opportunity. This isn't a bad thing but must be realized by coaches, and parents trying to "relive" the childhood thru there childs life. Not all girls are instilled with that killer instinct and most are not prone to leaving it all on the field by our definition. We see more potential or expect a better outcome with more effort while many girls are simply satisfied with doing just enough. That's why it's important in your instruction to describe all cases of scenarios with girls so they understand the urgency to perform a particular task. This is an example of the many things you need to know about yourself to be good at what you're trying to do here.

Be sure you can relate to girls of any age with communication skills that THEY understand. Many girls are reluctant to admit they don't know what you mean, especially if it is something others believe they should already know. This lack of understanding can cause issues with everyone including the parents. Remember, I said they hold the adventure in a different regard and will forget things that boys won't. You need to practice a different mindset of coaching skills to insure the messages are recieved and properly understood.

While the above couple of paragraphs are coach related, I brought them up to help you evaluate yourself. If the parents perception is you do not possess the knowledge to run a team they will be more likely to challenge you and your decisions. Show the confidence and strength early and carry yourself with a higher regard but be careful not to cross the line to arrogance. Once you display the confidence to be in charge, others will be more likely to respect your decisions.

Screen carefully the entire family that will be involved during the tryout period and be faithful to the roster you choose. Don't let them smell fear!!! lol. You'll be fine with time. Just like playing the game itself, you'll learn more about coaching and handling people in a manner that will allow you to help those kids that want it and give the rest memories that'll last a lifetime. From this desk to you, thank you for being a part of this game.

 

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The clicks or groups of parents who try to subvert the coaches MUST be handled and if the coach is taking them on the team it does not take long to look up their past by calling the coach from the team they left.

I have used the following drills to not only humble the players but also the parents.

Line the kids up starting from home plate and go out towards second and spread the girls out as far as you want, depending on if there is a fence. Tell them they are going to be timed as to how fast they can get the ball to the last person at the end of the line and then how fast they can get it back to home plate!

Prior to letting them start have the parents grouped together and explain to them, whoever drops a ball or is not in the correct position to relay the ball is a weak link in a chain and when the chain breaks the week link needs to be replaced. Do not provide any more direction than that!

Usually, there are players that will not set up to receive the ball correctly or throw it correctly!

Look at the parents and say this is always a team effort and any of you who had a player that did not perform correctly, what would you have to say to the other parents? Sorry my kid let the rest of you down! Sorry my daughter is not as good as your daughter!

As the coach let them ramble along and make them say something and do not say a word until they speak!

Then say what if WE can work together to show the kids it will take all of us to make this a team effort?

You as parents or players have no control of what just happened, you only have control over how you react to it!

As the coach I will position players that I feel we can win with or that I may feel can teach the players something and that is why I am the head coach. When I ask your daughter to bunt that is my call not yours and if you can not live with that form your own team and make your own decisions.

Yes I have used this little drill many times.

Howard