Parent and Coach conflicts

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I just finished reading a comment on another thread regarding parents and coaches and it has me wondering why is it that parents and coaches become so bitter towards one another?

I know this is a broad statement and doesn't apply to all but it certainly affects enough of us, not to mention our kids, that I thought it might warrent some honest discussion and not just the quips and nastiness that threads sometimes are reduced to.

We talk about wanting our dds to become good athletes and productive adults someday but a huge obstacle for them in the softball world can be being surrounded by adults who can't problem solve or communicate productively with other adults.

Do you really believe that our dds don't know when parents and coaches disagree, to put it mildly in some cases? Do they not witness the behaviors unbecoming of an adult at times? Would you not agree that these things can negatively affect our overall goals for each girls?

I apologize for the soapboxing but I am very interested in thoughtful responses from the softball community.

 

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You're just asking to have this locked aren't you?

So I'll just start warming the kettle....EGO

 

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IMHO it all boils down to a few factors:

1) Parent is totally focused on their daughters feelings and not on their performance as compared to teammates.

2) Coach is definitely biased and gives preferential treatment to those they like or those that feed their ego.

3) Lack of communications during tryouts, practices etc.. Expectations have not been clearly expressed on both sides.

4) Nothing more than pure personality conflict.

I believe #3 is usually the cause of most conflicts.

 

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No I really don't want it locked so please no ranting or drama.

Maybe what I'm really asking is how can we problem solve as adult parents and coaches to meet the same goals for the girls who play this great sport?

We are all adults and should be able to find solutions. I do believe we have more similarities than differences. I hope I'm not wrong!

 

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Wish I knew which thread your talkin about so I can read it.
But to respond with out knowing exactly the issue, we went to a try out over the weekend looking at a a team in the org. that we had left couple of yrs. ago but not the for team we had played for in the past only to feel very aukward around the coach that was still there using the same line he had used in the past to reel people in.
He never looked us in the face as I am sure he knew that we know his true intentions.
I know there are some out there that don't like it when others can read between the lines. This can often be the problem of parent / coach conflicts. My daughter has had 2 offers on the teams she was most interrested in so every thing is good. I guess the best thing to say is that" if your not in it for the kids your in it for the wrong reason." Seems like I've read that some where before. lol

 

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The thread had to do with coaches making offers to good players with troublesome parents. I guess I'm always surprised at the judgements people make with limited amounts of info or info that may not be completely honest.

We've been there too for sure and I think that's why this topic interests me. I think our mistake in the past has been to wait too long before addressing an issue with a coach. By the time we addressed things emotions were high.

Most parents and coaches don't go from zero to completely unreasonable in two seconds. Maybe we see issues but choose not address them until it's too late. Maybe people don't deal with issues for fear of rocking the boat or just hoping things will work themselves out. I don't know.

 

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If you want to feel better about the realtionship between a coach parents, watch an episode of Dance Moms. They make softball parents look like saints.

 

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Wax - well said - they are out of control!!!!!!!!!

 

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All the "conflicts" are the result of two opposite agendas.

Coach - wants either 1.) What's best for the team., or 2.) What is best for his kid and a few of his "chosen ones".

Parents - want what is best for their daughter.

If you, a parent, aren't adversely affected by the coaches actions, you don't have conflict.

 

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brain kicked in , edited out my comment

 

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All the "conflicts" are the result of two opposite agendas.

Coach - wants either 1.) What's best for the team., or 2.) What is best for his kid and a few of his "chosen ones".

Parents - want what is best for their daughter.

If you, a parent, aren't adversely affected by the coaches actions, you don't have conflict.

nice!

Still love your signature... too funny! Question, are the statistics real or made up...:lmao:

 

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If you want to feel better about the realtionship between a coach parents, watch an episode of Dance Moms. They make softball parents look like saints.

That show pretty much soms up everything that is wrong with people.

 

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are the statistics real or made up...:lmao:

83% of statistics are made up ....

 

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I think it is all the above and some.

As a parent of one child and the manager of another, I am on both sides of the fence. As a parent, it's difficult at times, but you need to look at your child's abilities in reality. Not every player does X,Y, and Z, and that's OK. Chances are, if your child should be leading off and playing SS, she will be. Not always, but in most cases, the manager wants whats best for their TEAM. As parents, we must also remember that there is so much more time that goes into taking care of a team. Give the manager a little more leash. His kid pays the same as you, but he has so much more on his plate than you do. If there is an issue, go to them calmly and just ask if you can talk about some things on the side. I can assure you that the manager would much rather put out a small fire than let it grow to disasterous proportions.

As a manager, there are always going to be parents who you can never satisfy. If their daughter is leading off and playing SS, they want to pitch or hit 4th. You do whats best for the team and let the chips fall. There are also going to be parents who know everything, and your doing it all wrong. My advise....Grow thicker skin or add them to your staff. It's a difficult relationship at times. I hate being the bad guy, but who has to say something when a player is having tardy issues? Manager. If the parents want to take their child away from the tournament during a break? Manager. I hate it but it's what I signed on for.

Last year I had a sit down with a little pamphlet that spelled out everything I expected form the players and parents and what they could expect from me. There were conflict resolution guidlines on what to do and who to call, etc. It was in black and white. I asked if there were any questions, and there were none. Much of this was forgotten about come tournament time, so I will add another parent meeting in the spring to remind everyone what we all signed on for. I think it will be better this year with that "refresher course"

 

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I would like to see that Pamphlet. Would you share?

 

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A lot of great points made here ... I do think Louuuu came closest to nailing it.

While I'm strictly a coach now, I have been on the other side of it, but I also think things have evolved some in the last 10 years since I was going through it. There has always been the differences in opinions between what parents think of their child's abilities, and what coaches think ... the difference today is that parents are much more vocal and/or obvious about it, generally speaking at least. In the past, parents tended to bite their tongues and basically let the coaches do their job, while today some parents talk about it with their kids, talk about it with the other parents and often confront the coaches very directly about it.

Generally speaking, I think coaches are trying to do what is best for the team, though if they have a child of their own on the team, that can cause issues, and I also admit that even coaches without children on the team can get unknowingly biased towards kids or families that they like. As several have said, upfront communications are very important, but I can also vouch for the fact that those can get thrown out the window very quickly by upset parents. For example, while parents and players may agree upfront that the best players will play on Sunday, the issue will be that they think their child is one of the best players, or at least better than someone else who is in playing in front of their child.

I am convinced that there is no magic answer to this question. You can control/reduce it some with who you have coaching, how you select players and the parents who come with them, how many players you have on your roster, and your communications, but there's no guarantee that you can stop it altogether. And by the way, winning a lot tends to help too, as its much easier to second guess a coach who is not winning a lot, but eventually you're going to lose and then it will just be all boiled up and ready to blow when that happens.

 

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I am convinced that there is no magic answer to this question.

Exactly. Which is why you're never going to have 100% "Completely Satisfied" parents on any team. (And which is why you see some parents seeking refuge by the outfield fence during games so they don't have to hear all the griping in the stands...)

 

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Exactly. Which is why you're never going to have 100% "Completely Satisfied" parents on any team. (And which is why you see some parents seeking refuge by the outfield fence during games so they don't have to hear all the griping in the stands...)

Yes, nothing worse then parents griping about the coach during a game. Hate it 99% of the time. And 98% of the time I hate when coaches give in to a parent that bullies them into playing their kid more. Coaches, the rest of the parents see that about 80% of the time and it p's them off so don't give in and you will only have 1 parent mad instead of a bunch. ha About 88% of the time I'm glad I'm not a coach.

Dang, stat's are better!

 

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These problems exist on the baseball side but not near as much. Ever wonder why?

 

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My issues that may bleed thru when I post stem from individuals that want to complain but take no action to be a part of any solution. It amazes me how parents with no time still feel the need to publicly speak up about the topics of management, organization, conflict of interest, and proper mechanics when most of these same parents have no time to help their child with their game away from the team. I understand they may not be athletic but that doesn't mean they can't take an hour to sit outside in support while their daughter throws into a net. They could help pick up the balls after instead of hiding behind a bush talking or texting on their phone instead of having some quality time with their child.

I'm willing to volunteer to fill the gaps that some parents have in their relationship with their children. I have taken the time at my own expense to learn as much as I can about this game so I can provide quality leadership both on and off the field. I quit drinking and smoking years ago so as to be a well-rounded roll model for the kids. I am not a pervert, I have passed every background check ever offered at every level from ASA to OHSAA. It has cost me money and countless hours of my life. I wouldn't give it up for anything. I raised a foster child (girl) by myself that got me involved in fastpitch and away from coaching little league baseball, a time in my life that was so dear to me. Yet parents for some reason feel they have a right to attack me. If they are attacking me in some shape or form, I'm sure others are being judged for their deeds. It becomes a bitter pill to swallow when there are good families out there trying to do the right thing and other volunteers that want to make a positive difference in society. Why can't the ones complaining appreciate the sacrifice?

My plea is and always will be for others to be a part of the solution and lead by example. Today's lifestyle has many 2-parent homes with both working full time----many with cell phones that give them an opportunity to be present at events even when mentally they are not there. A lot of 1-parent homes end up reliant of relatives or neighbors to play nanny and chauffer for their family members. It's not easy. A lot of sacrifices are made by many-----including the children. This includes the coaching staff that some times are dads or moms that have made a conscious decision to trade their free time for this experience. Help these people by supporting them or go start your own team, organization, league, or sanction and do it the way you want it done. The alternative is simply a ship sailing without direction.