Sports Parents Who Won't Let Go

[InSider]

When your child is a young athlete, it is only natural to want to help them as much as you can. To do all you can to help them reach their dreams. That is not necessarily a bad thing. However, it can be taken to unhealthy extremes.

As your child gets older, they need to become increasingly more responsible for their athletic career. Obviously, at 8 years old, mom and dad should handle most of the communication with the coach. At 10u, the child should be able to ask coach what they needed to do to improve. They also need to start taking ownership of their private practice time.

At 12 years old, the parent really should have limited conversations with the coach about sport related things. Only intervene if it becomes obvious that it's necessary.

At 14u, the only thing the parent should be doing for the player is driving them to and from practice and games. The player should be 100% responsible for recruiting activities and correspondence and for discussing playing time, improvement, and any other issues with the coach. If your child is a pitcher, dad or mom should no longer be calling her pitches. You won't call her pitches in college, so you need to get used to not calling them now.

If you are not raising your child to be self sufficient in their athletic endeavors, not to mention in life, then you are doing them a huge disservice. You won't always be there nor should you be. They need to learn to handle things and deal with disappointment without your interference. You are raising them to be adults, not large children.

By 16u, you should basically be seen and not heard. Unless, of course, you are cheering for the team.

 

[travelinmom]

I so TOTALLY agree!!!!!
The progression of independence is crucial to becoming a responsible adult capable of managing life without major drama. Unfortunately, recent studies are showing that the rate of depression, anxiety, and suicide among college students is on the rise because this age group has lived their entire lives being rewarded for participation rather than competition, parents who rescue them at every turn rather than challenging them to be accountable for their actions, decisions, and mistakes.

 

[DOOM06BLACK]

I so TOTALLY agree!!!!!
The progression of independence is crucial to becoming a responsible adult capable of managing life without major drama. Unfortunately, recent studies are showing that the rate of depression, anxiety, and suicide among college students is on the rise because this age group has lived their entire lives being rewarded for participation rather than competition, parents who rescue them at every turn rather than challenging them to be accountable for their actions, decisions, and mistakes.

AMEN

Enough said.

 

[FastBat]

At 12 years old, the parent really should have limited conversations with the coach about sport related things. Only intervene if it becomes obvious that it's necessary.

This is right on, it just came too soon for me!

This week my dd traveled to a regional tournament and the coach had all players stay together. She was thrilled, I wasn't. I was amazed, she has been able to feed herself, be ready of practice on time, etc, without my assistance. And more upsetting (only to me) is she is able to communicate with her coach, without dear old mom intervening. I'm still here if she needs me, but I know from here out she can handle a bunch more on her own.

I agree, but it doesn't make it easy to apply to real life: "If you are not raising your child to be self sufficient...then you are doing them a huge disservice."

 

[wannaplaysb]

My dd will travel +!2! Hours away from me in a few short days! While I know it will be awesome for her I can't stop crying cuz she will be great and I will miss her a bunch! I will practice being strong and convince her she has the abilty to be amazing I will still sleep in her bed and miss touching her till I get to hug her in September!

 

[cz fastpitch fan]

This is so spot on.
I see far too many kids who even look to their parent when they are in the batter's box or playing defense. Their first reaction after making a play is to look to Mom or Dad to see what she did wrong,, to show that she didn't do anything wrong. Parents...please...it is hard to let go, but you gotta let go. They must stand on their own feet, because you can't be there to catch them if they fail anyway, so let them stand on their own & succeed.
The crutch is hurting them!

 

[mike_dyer]

Now and then something good gets posted here and before you know a page or 2 later people are talking about how their kid has lived on their own in the wild since she was 2.

More than 1 time this year my kid has made a big play -- I remember a clutch RBI double vividly but I know there were more -- and popped up off of the field smiling ear to ear to find me and shoot me a thumbs up. I see college kids do it all the time. If that is hurting her or any of the rest of them I guess she's damaged beyond repair and will surely die homeless in the streets.

 

[mike_dyer]

We were at a tournament this summer and there was a BBQ truck there, it was set up right by an outlet, I was standing there charging my phone. Someone started screaming about our game, I can't remember who was doing it or why. Not important.

The guy slinging ribs asks what's funny. I said "Those people over there are nuts,,, My kid is out there playing, 3 years ago she went to bed at night thinking that an old man was going to come down the chimney that we don't have and put toys under a dead tree for her and her brother and her sister. I think they forgot what this is."

 

[jdcii]

We were at a tournament this summer and there was a BBQ truck there, it was set up right by an outlet, I was standing there charging my phone. Someone started screaming about our game, I can't remember who was doing it or why. Not important.

The guy slinging ribs asks what's funny. I said "Those people over there are nuts,,, My kid is out there playing, 3 years ago she went to bed at night thinking that an old man was going to come down the chimney that we don't have and put toys under a dead tree for her and her brother and her sister. I think they forgot what this is."

A little early to be drinking isn't it?

 

[mike_dyer]

A little early to be drinking isn't it?

It is.

What an odd question...

Oh, rrriiigggghhhhtttt. 16u fastpitch is serious bidness and if this isn't what your relationship with your daughter looks like by then you have failed as a parent:

https://youtu.be/kgmxrjxUe60

Forgive me for interrupting the fantasy world you live in with reality.

 

[CoachB25]

When your child is a young athlete, it is only natural to want to help them as much as you can. To do all you can to help them reach their dreams. That is not necessarily a bad thing. However, it can be taken to unhealthy extremes.

As your child gets older, they need to become increasingly more responsible for their athletic career. Obviously, at 8 years old, mom and dad should handle most of the communication with the coach. At 10u, the child should be able to ask coach what they needed to do to improve. They also need to start taking ownership of their private practice time.

At 12 years old, the parent really should have limited conversations with the coach about sport related things. Only intervene if it becomes obvious that it's necessary.

At 14u, the only thing the parent should be doing for the player is driving them to and from practice and games. The player should be 100% responsible for recruiting activities and correspondence and for discussing playing time, improvement, and any other issues with the coach. If your child is a pitcher, dad or mom should no longer be calling her pitches. You won't call her pitches in college, so you need to get used to not calling them now.

If you are not raising your child to be self sufficient in their athletic endeavors, not to mention in life, then you are doing them a huge disservice. You won't always be there nor should you be. They need to learn to handle things and deal with disappointment without your interference. You are raising them to be adults, not large children.

By 16u, you should basically be seen and not heard. Unless, of course, you are cheering for the team.

I agree with the overall tone of this OP. However, I'd suggest that when I give lessons, I want parents to be at my lessons, ask questions and then take what we are working on and help their dd get their work in during the week. My dd coaches a pretty good 12U team. They won roughly 60 games this summer. She has parent meetings 3 times a season. They also have 2 coach parent meetings that are social in nature and intended to bring parents and coaches together for one common goal. To this point, these "socials" have gone well. To be sure, starting at 12U, a parent should never touch a bag or other equipment. Every college coach I have ever heard speak says that is a huge, "no no."

Where I disagree some is the recruiting aspect of the OP. Yes, all correspondence with coaches whether it be vocal or written in some manner should be from the player. Parents have to check themselves and not talk to the college coach when they are in attendance at games. Parents can help by making sure video of their dd is quality work, is available on YouTube and that this video gets sent out to perspective colleges. Parents should make sure that they set parameters for their dd with regards to where they can go. For example, we set a 5 hour radius from our home when my dd was being recruited. I work hard to get my HS players recruited. Yesterday, one came to me after lessons and said that one of the schools I've been trying to get her signed at didn't come up with enough money and so, what should she do since she really likes the coach and school. That is a conversation for the parent as well. Parents have to get their dds to certain schools for both unofficial and official visits. Sure they can disappear then. However, it really helps to see some of these institutions as parents. One example was that one school that was recruiting my dd had dorms where everyone on a floor shared a common shower room and bathroom. When we asked the building supervisors how often that shower area/bathroom was sanitized, we didn't get an answer we liked. Parents also have to be active looking for additional monies. There are scholarships at most universities that your dd might qualify for but of which you don't know about. Once you find those, you can have your dd fill out the required forms and perhaps you will save yourself more money. My wife and I were so lucky that when our dd finished, we figure we were out roughly $2,000 total. DD qualified for one of those academic scholarships and had her athletic money. My advice, and I am no expert, is that you can't just leave recruitment up to your dd but you need to get out of the way as much as possible. JMHO!

 

[Irish196]

When your child is a young athlete, it is only natural to want to help them as much as you can. To do all you can to help them reach their dreams. That is not necessarily a bad thing. However, it can be taken to unhealthy extremes.

As your child gets older, they need to become increasingly more responsible for their athletic career. Obviously, at 8 years old, mom and dad should handle most of the communication with the coach. At 10u, the child should be able to ask coach what they needed to do to improve. They also need to start taking ownership of their private practice time.

At 12 years old, the parent really should have limited conversations with the coach about sport related things. Only intervene if it becomes obvious that it's necessary.

At 14u, the only thing the parent should be doing for the player is driving them to and from practice and games. The player should be 100% responsible for recruiting activities and correspondence and for discussing playing time, improvement, and any other issues with the coach. If your child is a pitcher, dad or mom should no longer be calling her pitches. You won't call her pitches in college, so you need to get used to not calling them now.

If you are not raising your child to be self sufficient in their athletic endeavors, not to mention in life, then you are doing them a huge disservice. You won't always be there nor should you be. They need to learn to handle things and deal with disappointment without your interference. You are raising them to be adults, not large children.

By 16u, you should basically be seen and not heard. Unless, of course, you are cheering for the team.

While I like the concept of this post, a lot of people writing these "parents are overbearing, kids are adults" posts seem to forget that kids don't automatically become adults capable of sticking up for themselves, promoting themselves and doing the "right thing" overnight. I just don't think some of these expectations are realistic. With coaches, I understand that the player needs to get involved and talk to the coach when there are minor questions or issues (like "why didn't I play today" or "can I play SS"), but to expect a 12-14 year old to be able to speak to a coach alone about a serious or ongoing concern is unrealistic. A 14 year old is not going to "hear" or process what a coach says the same way an adult would. They may hear one thing when a coach is saying another. This may cause even more communication problems or hurt feelings, etc. Then you look at the time of the year we are in- tryout time- and you really think that kids evaluating a new team or deciding whether to move on can do this by themselves? Posts from parents saying "coach bob told me she'd be #1 pitcher, bat 4th and never sit a game" are a dime a dozen- so somehow kids are now supposed to be able to navigate the system and get better results than parents?

With recruiting? To say a 13/14 year old (as that is how early recruiting starts now) should be 100% responsible for it with no parental involvement is also unrealistic. First of all, that is probably the type of approach that results in kids doing "bullet spray"" recruiting (meaning just doing a lot of unfocused recruiting activity with no real plan hoping anything comes along). Parents without a doubt should be using recruiting as a lesson in how to set a game plan for something you want and focus on all of the little steps it takes to achieving your final goal. At 13/14 they even need help hashing out what they really want (if that is even possible to a great degree of certainty at that age).

I also think it is unusual that a parent would not review or discuss the correspondence their daughter sends to a college coach before they send it. I don't know any 8th grader who is always polished and perfect. I don't think proofreading e mails or discussing their content before they send them is a bad thing. I don't even think discussing what you want to say in an e mail before they go and write it is a bad thing either. When I write things at work I may discuss them with a colleague first to make sure I haven't missed anything or to see if my arguments are easy to follow and persuasive, etc. Even adults have "mentors" and it is generally seen as a positive thing. Why would we not expect this and want to do this with our own daughters? What better way to teach them all of the life skills that playing a sport and recruiting teach than to do it along side of them? Again, NOT *FOR* them BUT being there to oversee and guide them. I think that is far better than thinking that she can do it 100% alone at this age.
If that means I can't let go, well then I can't let go. I'm pretty sure my kid will be ok.

 

[InSider]

While I like the concept of this post, a lot of people writing these "parents are overbearing, kids are adults" posts seem to forget that kids don't automatically become adults capable of sticking up for themselves, promoting themselves and doing the "right thing" overnight. I just don't think some of these expectations are realistic. With coaches, I understand that the player needs to get involved and talk to the coach when there are minor questions or issues (like "why didn't I play today" or "can I play the infield"), but to expect a 12-14 year old to be able to speak to a coach alone about a serious or ongoing concern by themselves I think is unrealistic. A 14 year old is not going to "hear" or process what a coach says the same way an adult would. They may hear one thing when a coach is saying another. This may cause even more communication problems or hurt feelings, etc.

With recruiting? To say a 13/14 year old (as that is how early recruiting starts now) should be 100% responsible for it with no parental involvement is totally unrealistic. First of all, that is probably the type of approach that results in kids doing "bullet spray"" recruiting (meaning just doing a lot of unfocused recruiting activity with no real plan hoping anything comes along). Parents without a doubt should be using recruiting as a lesson in how to set a game plan for something you want and focus on all of the little steps it takes to achieving your final goal. At 13/14 they even need help hashing out what they really want (if that is even possible to a great degree of certainty at that age).

I also think it is ridiculous to think that a parent would not review or discuss the correspondence their daughter sends to a college coach before they send it. I don't know any 8th grader who is always polished and perfect. I don't think proofreading e mails or discussing their content before they send them is a bad thing. I don't even think discussing what you want to say in an e mail before they go and write it is a bad thing either. When I write things at work I may discuss them with a colleague first to make sure I haven't missed anything or to see if my arguments are easy to follow and persuasive, etc. Even adults have "mentors" and it is generally seen as a positive thing. Why would we not expect this and want to do this with our own daughters? What better way to teach them all of the life skills that playing a sport and recruiting teach than to do it along side of them? Again, NOT *FOR* them BUT being there to oversee and guide them. I think that is far better than kidding myself that she can do it 100% alone at this age.
If that means I can't let go, well then I can't let go. I'm pretty sure my kid will be ok.

Nowhere did I say that the parent should not be with the child when they talk to their coach about their concerns. I do feel that it should NOT be the parents doing the talking. The same applies to recruiting. I should have been more clear. It is one thing to check over an email that your child is sending to a college coach. It's another to write it or edit it for them, or to push them to write one. A college coach is very much aware that no 8th grader is going to be polished and perfect, and they would not expect them to be. The point was that it should be child driven. Not parent driven.

It's one thing to guide your child. It's something entirely different to make them do it or to do it for them.

 

[Irish196]

Nowhere did I say that the parent should not be with the child when they talk to their coach about their concerns. I do feel that it should NOT be the parents doing the talking. The same applies to recruiting. I should have been more clear. It is one thing to check over an email that your child is sending to a college coach. It's another to write it or edit it for them, or to push them to write one. A college coach is very much aware that no 8th grader is going to be polished and perfect, and they would not expect them to be. The point was that it should be child driven. Not parent driven.

It's one thing to guide your child. It's something entirely different to make them do it or to do it for them.

I took your post literally. You stated that at 12 you "only intervene if it becomes obvious that it's necessary"; at 14 "the player should be 100% responsible for recruiting activities and correspondence and for discussing playing time, improvement, and any other issues with the coach" and at 16 parents "should basically be seen and not heard." Your follow up clarification seems a little more realistic to me.

 

[FastBat]

Nowhere did I say that the parent should not be with the child when they talk to their coach about their concerns.

That's what I originally thought you were trying to express. Little things during the game or team decisions are the coach's and don't involve me. Why would I ask about those? I don't. During tryouts and choosing a team, I choose, but she is my guide.

...starting at 12U, a parent should never touch a bag or other equipment.

For my dd's pitching lessons, it's getting harder for me to carry my starbucks and the bucket. So I make my dd carry my bucket when I catch her. I figure, I'm doing her a favor by catching her, she can help me out a little!

 

[mike_dyer]

When we go to the field it doesn't matter what just happened that's the reason she has to carry the bucket to pick things up, always has been.

For example:

- Wow, you didn't hit that last one good at all, so you can go ahead and carry the bucket.

- Man, you're hitting great today, so you can go ahead and carry the bucket.

- You carried the bucket really good the last time so I'm going to go ahead and let you carry it this time too.

etc.

 

[coachjwb]

Agree with Karen's posts ... and clarification by OP was helpful ...

My DD was not ready to deal entirely on her own with either travel or college coaches until she was probably 16 ... and then she still needed some help ... and she came out pretty OK ... was mature enough to be a team captain her junior and senior years of both high school and college ...

 

[mike_dyer]

We left for 16u ASA/USA this morning. The local media was there to see us off.

https://youtu.be/84DX3_qP6T8

She better hurry, at this rate she's going to make us late for check in.