The Buzzard Holler Hooters are coming to play ball. They are coached by Ricky Tidwell's mom (RTW). She's retired now and has started up a travel softball team based out of Buzzard Holler... it's kinda northwest of Bugtussle. She got into softball instead of youth football because of some legal issues that may, or may not, have involved steroids... any way, she also looked into S o c c e r, but she hates communists so that wasn't really an option.
Now her softball team, which has been going through two-a-days for the past three years, is ready to hit the showcase circuit this summer. She don't play in any spring tournaments due to... no, not school... these girls have all graduated the 7th grade already... it's plantin' and marryin' season at that time up in the hills.
Her lineup will be impressive to see, starting with her pitcher, Agnus McGirt. Agnus is a natural talent who has trained in her Daddy's sawmill for the past six years. The motor broke that ran the cuttin' blade and her Daddy has had Agnus spinnin' that blade by hand (underhand that is) ever since! When RTM (Ricky Tidwell's Momma) saw this, she knew Agnus would be a natural. She has not been clocked officially but one time, she was being chased by a Highway Patrol Man after making a delivery for her Daddy (he's also in the private alcohol production business) and she chunked a RC bottle at the lawman. His radar read 83 mph and he decided he weren't goin' to continue the pursuit!
The team's catcher is Bertha "The Wall" Wassleberg. She grew up workin' with her Daddy who's a ironworker. Bertha would catch hot iron rivets for her Daddy and, because they were so poor, she never used gloves. After a while she lost all feeling in her catchin' hand so she's perfect for catching Agnus.
The infield is made up of the Innus quadruplets. They have been pickin' taters since they were knee high so those big "yeller" balls are a breeze. They all have great arms too after slingin' taters at boys, who were trying to peek up their skirts while the sisters were workin' in the fields. There are some lumpy headed boys in that holler thanks to the Innus girls!
The two corner outfielders are full blooded Cherokee maidens. RTM signed these girls up cause they can track down anything. This is not only good on the ballfield, it also comes in right handy when huntin' for vittles when on a road trip.
The center fielder is the only "non-local" player in the bunch. RTM was on a trip at the beach one winter runnin' a trot-line off Cape Hatteras. While out in neck deep water settin' a line RTM saw a young skinny girl steal beer out of her cooler. Now, you don't want to mess with Ricky Tidwell's Momma's malt beverages... it just ain't a healthy thing to do! Anyway, RTM rushed out of the water and began givin' chase. Even though RTM had been a 4.4 in her prime NFL days, she didn't have a chance with this skinny girl... she could fly! Lucky for RTM, she had brought one of the Cherokee girls with her on the trip... this girl could even track fish! After a day, or so, they located the skinny girl in a shack behind the marina. She was all alone livin' there. She told RTM that her Daddy had left two years before to go catch some fish and a year later her Momma left to go catch a fisherman and evidently, neither had had much luck cause neither had come back. The girl's name was Sunshine Rainbow Daniels, but she goes by Sunny. RTM felt sorry for Sunny and invited her back to Buzzard Holler with a promise of good eatin', slow boys and no sand flies. Sunny, and her speed, rounded out RTM's softball roster nicely.
I know what ya'll are thinkin'... but can they hit? Well, as a team, every winter, they sneak onto federal land and hand cut old growth forest trees for Agnus's Daddy's sawmill, he's the team sponsor and sells the lumber they cut to cover their expenses. You swing an ax for three straight months and you'll develop some power, and a pretty good eye too!
The bottom line for all you showcase team coaches out there is you're all playin' for second place. Don't try to fight it... cause even Sunshine can probably whip your butt... just be good sports and shake their hands after you play them. You'll recognize them right away, they're big, fast, mean and nasty and at least four of them have to shave everyday! There is good news though! None of RTM's girls have any desire to play in college! They just want to have a little fun before settlin' down with one of those lumpy headed boys up in Buzzard Holler.
