I need opinions

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I need some help. I just got home from a rec game. I have been in tears for an hour now and nothing is getting better.
At this point I am very very frustrated with my 12 yo daughter. She has got me to the point of yanking her off of every team she is on right now. She is running track and on a rec and travel team. She claims to love all of it. But I am seeing a problem. She slacking at both softball teams. She is a catcher. Tonight at rec she claimed to not be able to see the ball. I wasn't there but when I got there she was in the field playing like she doesn't give a crap. A big part of the problem is that she is getting into her own head. She had a bad game about a month ago and ever since then if she messes up she completely shuts down. Doing no one anywhere any good. She is now to the point that she has moved completely down low in the batting order and sits more than she plays (which in turn reassures her in her line of thinking which is that she s#@ks) She was lead off batter and starting catcher all winter and earlier this spring. I keep trying to tell her that she needs to shake off things and make up for it. How do I rebuild that drive and confidence in her? Rec should help with that but she almost seems to have completely lost her will to play. She cries and cries when I tell her that if she isn't going to give it her all that she needs to quit. How unfair would it be to the team (of 11) to yank her out. She isn't giving it her best, almost not even trying. I am so torn. I can't afford to do weekend stays and drive all over the place if she isn't even going to give it her best. Travel hurts our budget very much. I have several unfinished construction projects do to lack of time and money because of travel. Not to mention things that my other 2 give up for their sister. She is being unfair to us, her siblings, her team and most of all herself. Anyone have some suggestions on things to try or what I should do? :'( :'(

(PS Please excuse any typing errors or incomplete/rambling sentences it is hard to type with tears in your eyes.)

 

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This is a tough one!! I have limited my dd to travel ball only since she made the commitment to play it. No other sports and no rec ball. Travel ball takes enough of your time. I also expect str8 A's from her. We have not had any of those issues that you're talking about in 2 years. In her first two years, when she was trying to find her place in travel, she would have pity parties and cry a lot. Now that she knows who she is as a player we don't have to deal so much with that. It sounds like she might be overwhelmed with all of the commitments. JMO :-?

 

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WOW! That sounded like my dd and I a couple years back. Please understand that every child is different, and every kid responds differently to different situations. I am not a huge believer in taking time off, but there is a time for it, and this may be one of them. Sometimes we need to step back and relax and find the joy of things again. I am not saying she should not play at all, but just don't force it on her and let her come back into her own at her pace, with no pressure. She may love doing the 3 things, but from your own words it sounds as though she is unable to handle it. Good luck and God Bless!!

 

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Maybe it's too much for her? Winter ball, spring ball, track, two summer teams, and the weight of possibly knowing that the finances needed to support all the teams she is on might be putting a burden on the rest of the family? That's huge for an adult, let alone a 12 year old...maybe time to take a step back and take stock as to what is important to her and the family before she ends up really hating the game and the things she loves.

Hang in there...

 

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[quote author=Shockwave link=1210640131/0#2 date=1210641111]WOW! That sounded like my dd and I a couple years back. ?quote]

How old are your dd's now? My dd has a severe attitude problem that we have discussed tonight. When errors are made behind her she seems to take that personally and will listen to no one trying to coach her!!

The question: will birdmoken's dd grow out of it? Will my 12 yo dd grow out of it?

Are your dd's doing better with the years of experience? :-/

 

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Dear birdmoken---I can tell you are hurting badly right now, but you need to try and calm yourself for both you and your dd's health and sanity. ?

I don't mean to be patronizing, but you need to take some deep breaths, sit quietly until you can gain some distance and perspective, and you can start to be kind to your dd and yourself.

I have been in a somewhat similar situation before, but I can't begin to diagnose why your girl has had this change in attitude and ability to play. ?

No offense, but I sense some pretty heavy pressure to perform, and a large helping of guilt being laid on due to what everyone else is giving up for her to play on these teams.

If I get this from a single post, it must be almost unbearable for a 12 yr old to have a parent in tears because she can't seem to get her head back in the game.

It might be that she is participating in too many activities, and perhaps gently approaching her about scaling back to a single team (preferably the local rec team so travel time and expenses would no longer be such an issue), but don't look at it like a punishment---try to view it as a way to take pressure off her and the rest of the family.

It is always frustrating when you know she can and has played much better in the past, but you have to deal with the situation at hand---your dtr is obviously struggling with something and needs understanding and support and unconditional love from the most important people in her life, not threats, more pressure or guilt.

Believe me---it is not worth the misery you are putting yourself and your family through. ?If she would like to take a break from competition for the summer---let her. ?

She can always decide she would like to come back next year, and if she doesn't, that's okay too. ? I hope this helps---best wishes for you and your family.

 

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Well track is almost over only two more meets one tomorrow and county next week. Really this isn't anymore than it was in the fall or winter when she was trying hard. Travel is one day through the week and rec is 1-2 days but we have only had 1 day if that because of the weather. This is only her 2nd year of travel. But she does this in every aspect of life. She gets down and instead of fighting back she buries herself in a hole. She is an awesome catcher when she does what she knows and can. But she will slack. It all started with one bad game. Why won't she battle out of it? I have no idea.

She doesn't know about the finances. So that doesn't play into the equation. It's something sunk deep inside of her and I don't know how to get it out. Until she comes back and tries. She has the talent but she just doesn't see it enough to try anymore. It is like she gave up.

 

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Kat. This not about her making errors or striking out. This is about how to dig her out of the hole she is in. She isn't even trying. She walked out to the field tonight after telling her rec coach she couldn't see to catch with her glove in her mouth. She goes to practice and does well but come game time she doesn't try. She is letting batting order and starting vs second catcher in her head. She thinks that since she isn't top of the order and doesn't start that she isn't any good. Part of that stems from a bad year last year. Coaches gave up on her and ?she stayed in the slump the whole season until we got with the new team then she perked back up and played ball like she was great. Boom one bad game with a coach trying to motivate (yelling but not in a mean or demeaning way) her to hustle because she was off her game now she thinks she s@#ks and in turn is playing like it. She definitely wants to be doing both teams. She asks me all the time to take her to the optional practices. So we go.

As far as scaling back I have tried. She cries that she wants to do both. (brought up in a non-punishment manner). I was against the whole rec idea this year and she begged.

 

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As you know, every kid is different. What works for mine, may not work for yours. For my kid, I keep pressure on her, because that's what she responds to. The harder I push, the harder she pushes back. If I let her slack, she does. She was upset that I wasn't coaching her this year because I have always been harder on her than any of her other coaches, and she knows that's what she needs. If she loves playin ball, but doesn't to push herself to the next level, let her quit travel and play rec ball. If she wants pushed let her quit rec, but it sounds like she should quit one. Whatever she does, support her, as I'm sure you will.

 

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Self-doubt is part of the rite of passage for young girls. At the point it beomes paralyzing I think it is the parent's obligation to do something.

As painful as it sounds, I would suggest that you exit your travel team. (I would hope that this would not put the team in a terrible bind, but you are indicating that your DD is sitting most of the time anyway.) Maybe you can ask the coach for a one-month leave of absence, esp. if you have already paid your fees. (Think of it as going down to the minors for some developmental work.)

Let your DD have some success at the rec level, and let her know that she has to earn her way back to the travel ball team with her efforts. Get the coach to drop by a few games and offer some words of encouragement.

If she wants to play - if SHE wants to play - she will start changing her behavior, and can play her way back to the majors. If she seems much happier where she is - you have your answer.

 

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Without knowing your DD and knowing the whole situation it is hard for me to give any advice but I will try my best...I say slow her down a little bit let her enjoy playing ball. She is 12 years old and is probably going through some major changes in her life right now. This game is so mental that if a player is being pressured to be the best(not saying you are doing this at all) or is not playing to her standard she may be putting to much pressure on herself and she may be afraid to fail. IMHO the worst thing a player can be is "afraid" to make mistakes...The best thing you can do as a parent is to be positive....JMO...Hope this helps.......

 

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This may sound weird. But I really don't think it has anything to do with being on both teams. She did this last summer when all she had was travel ball. I just don't know how to store confidence in a kid that all you do is tell her how good she is doing when she beats herself up.

 

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When my kid acted like that, I would get in her face and tell her to quit. This usually brought her out of it. Like I said earlier, when i push, she pushes back. I don't know if your daughter would respond to that or not, but it worked for mine. :-?

 

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I see a common link in everything you have posted on this thead. Take her to an opthamolopgist and get her vision tested. ?You made several mentions that she could not "see" the pitches. ?Make a quick appointment for a vision check ASAP.

I went from an OFer that could catch anything to one that could not catch a ball. ?My confidence eroded until the eye doctor told me that I was nearsighted. ?Once I had my vision corrected..my confidence and ability returned. ?It would not hurt her to take her and have her vision checked. ?It certainly helped me when I was a teenager.

I have a gut feeling that this might be the core of the problem.

 

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I think the coach sat her to try and instill some fire in her to fight for her position. It backfired. With her instead of fighting way to the top she dug herself deeper.


[highlight]This game is so mental that if a player is being pressured to be the best(not saying you are doing this at all) or is not playing to her standard she may be putting to much pressure on herself and she may be afraid to fail. IMHO the worst thing a player can be is "afraid" to make mistakes...[/highlight]
I think this is kind of it. She is doing this to herself. She is mad that she isn't playing. But for instance she was catching 2 weeks ago and a couple crazy pitches got past her. I could see her head go down and her eyes rolling. I stood behind her (which I never do) encouraging her. A few pitches later she made a diving tag at the runner trying to steal home. Got her out but when she came in moaned and groaned because she s@#ked. Her words no one elses. I don't point out her mistakes (occasionally I do but not in a demeaning manner. I will tell her well you need to drop and block when blah blah blah but in the same conversation that I am telling her that was an awesome throw to second or what ever. Until tonight when her coach (of 4 years) basically told me that she won't listen to him then I will admit I went over the deep edge. Crying and yelling what is wrong, why aren't you trying any more. Telling her that if she doesn't want to be there then please tell me because we won't (but remember this is after a month of trying to console, encourage and figure what is going on in that little head.).

 

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birdmoken---I see ~ so she enjoys ?going to practices (even wants to go to extras ?) plays well and aggressively, but can't seem to keep it all together for the games. ?

I'm certainly no psychologist (I don't even play one on TV ?), but this sounds like some form of performance anxiety and I really don't know what to tell you to deal with this.

I think you have already received some excellent advice here, and I would especially take note of sideliner's post.

There is an old chestnut of a saying---"Nothing succeeds like success", and it might be that your girl would feel better playing with a team that really needs her. ?She could get feeling better about herself, and learn that she needs to shake off errors because the rest of her team is counting on her.

You really can't give someone confidence or self-esteem---all you can do is set up situations where she can find it for herself. ?

Good luck and have a fun and healthy summer---KJBM

 

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My point was that attitude - especially bad attitude - has consequences.

The consequence I suggest is to suspend playing travel ball.

I agree the problem isn't two teams - it is her attitude. ?And at 12 years old, a child has some control over their attitude.

I came within 15 seconds of doing that with my daughter. ?She turned the corner.

Make her the offer - improve the attitude, or cut back on the things you do. ?Her choice.

It is not about her playing better, it is about controlling what she can - which is her attitude.

 

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I see a common link in everything you have posted on this thead. Take her to an opthamolopgist and get her vision tested. ?You made several mentions that she could not "see" the pitches. ?Make a quick appointment for a vision check ASAP.

I went from an OFer that could catch anything to one that could not catch a ball. ?My confidence eroded until the eye doctor told me that I was nearsighted. ?Once I had my vision corrected..my confidence and ability returned. ?It would not hurt her to take her and have her vision checked. ?It certainly helded me when I was a teenager.

I have a gut feeling that this is the core of the problem.

I wish it was that simple (she has only made this claim tonight, her reason was that it was getting darker.) She did have an eye exam this winter and it all checked out fine. Although I will set one up, it can't hurt to check it out again. Now I did leave this out because this behavior started BEFORE this happened. But the vision this weekend could have been off a little as she took a ball to the eye last weekend and was playing with a black eye and several stitches. So it could have affected her this weekend but the behavior started way before this happened. And it hasn't really changed since she got hit. She was a little gun shy this weekend but she wore a gameface to field (in all positions) which made her feel safer. I would understand this all if it happened AFTER she got hit but it started WELL beforehand.

 

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On a lighter note... What the heck is a birdmoken?? :-?

 

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Hahaha. That's for me to know you to find out. Any guesses?

But really it is a combination of my kids nicknames. Bird Mo Ken
Well I have now relaxed. Gotten some wonderful advice. Now I am going to go upstairs to see my poor husband who is tired of my OFC affair before we crash for the night. Thanks guys you are all wonderful listeners and therapists.